Damn feelings are hard and writing helps me.

Showing up is hard especially on the tough days.

My husband had a tragic fire call last night to respnd to. You know the kind that you hope you never get the phone call for.

He called to let me know there was a fire call and he wasn't going to make it home for supper, only to follow up with a text to not expect him home that night becaue it was really bad. He has already put in long hours at work, but it doesn't stop him from going.

These are the moments inside of me that go into an entire different mode...

"Someone needs him now and I will take care of everything else at home nothing else matters.

Lord, please be with him as he is near roads that go high speeds and many people get distracted behind the wheel. The amount of times I think about will he come home is uncountable...

But I need to be strong. I was made for pressure. I can handle hard things. My kids see no worry. They see faith in God and a mom that is going to help them through any big emotions that may arise from this interuption in the "rotuine" they were expecting to have that night.

I take care of his heart at home, so he can give it to the ones that need extra love that night.

After the kids are in bed. I feel the emotions on my heart become heavy, but the food from supper needs to be put away and the living room is a disaster from play that night. I put on some Christian music to feel God's presence as I try to make our home a place a little bit of peace to come home to. He might fall asleep on the couch that night trying to eat food while putting on a show to block out the pictures and thoughts going on in his mind as his stomach has just been twisted with emotinons. So, I must make sure he has a place to relax for both his mind and body.

The hours go by and it's getting late.

Long calls that involve people are never good.

Now my mind starts to race again. At this point, I just let it go.

No one is around so I don't need to be strong anymore.

Silence? Space? Hug? Talk? Distraction? The hardest part of him coming home. What do I do? What do I say or do I say nothing at all? Sometimes in our biggest emotions we don't even no what we need because we are just numb. This is when my heart becomes heavy becasue what we hear breaks our heart, but them seeing it is an entire new level of heart break. When his heart is hurt I feel mine break for him. Knowing he will wake up and go about his daily work schedule with his heart a little more shattered than previous tragic calls. He will smile and ask how you are when he sees you because he loves people the way Jesus does-always making them feel valued and loved. I pray for his mental health and all first respnders involved because everyone says, " I can't imagine or I could never do that." But no one reminds them that they are tough and strong just the way God made them but it's ok to cry and take a break from the noise to find your peace again. But to you they are just a firefighter helping out, but to me they are still a human that has heart break and need support too.

Being a firefighter is tough but loving one is even harder.